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There comes a time in every person’s life when they take a second to evaluate their life. To look back at the yesteryears and bask in the brilliance of their triumphs and wail over their setbacks. A time to sit back and think of the good times, the not-so-good times, the ups and the downs, their accomplishments and the failures in accomplishing their accomplishments.

Today, I did just that.

For no particular reason. Just because I had time to myself today and I couldn’t help but let my mind wander into the abyss of my dark and twisty thoughts.

I thought of my childhood. The glory days of growing up and discovering things for the first time. Going through all of life’s motions. Maturing and learning something new every year. The lessons.

I thought I would be enlightened, proud even for the things that I have done. The person that I have become.

And yet I wasn’t. Enlightened. Or proud. Or glad even.

I thought I’d get sentimental and mushy and turn into a sap. Instead, I find myself feeling heated. Like I popped a nerve or something. I wasn’t sure why but I was feeling something.

Confused, I sat down and gathered myself. Allowed myself to just be still and let the sensation that clouded my mobility fade.

And then, as the obscurity of my sudden predicament ebbed, I managed to identify the emotion.

I was mad. I am mad.

Mad because when I looked back at my life, there were so many things about it that made me angry.

Could it be resentment? Something I kept repressed for all these years that it has become dormant. Why now? Why reveal it’s self now?

I have everything going good for me. My application to uni is making progress. I have found balance and love and a new thirst for life. Why am I pulled back to it now? I thought to myself.

My childhood. Growing up. Primary school. High school.

Talking about those segments in my life never really go down well with me. Because it was a horrible time for me. One I don’t think I’ve ever addressed on my blog before.

You must think I am being self indulgent and trivial, bringing up things like this now when there are so many other tragedies happening across the world. The swine flu. The riots. The genocide in Darfur.

All these events that are probably worth bringing to your attention more than reading about a 22 year-old who is considerably privileged and has things that people in other parts of the world yearn to have.

And yet I can’t stop myself from typing. From unearthing the past that I thought I have kept hidden. Forgotten. Forgiven.

I guess I haven’t.

You see, high school was a terrible time in my development. At a time when teenagers are supposed to start to growing into their own being, I was stuck, lost and uncertain of what I was.

I guess most people feel that way and it isn’t unheard of. This probably won’t even shock you. Or even cause you to raise an eyebrow.

I was teased a lot at school. I was called names. I was labeled. Bullied. Judged. I was put into a box, a category, a mold and people regarded me as nothing. As no one. As a person who was worth nothing and will probably become nothing.

I know I am not nothing. I know that I have become somebody and my objective with this post is not to drag you into my hole of insecurity and self-doubt.

I am not blogging to complain that I am a nobody. I AM a somebody. And I know that. There is no hole of self-doubt and I am not about to become some recluse who shuts off everyone.

No.

The point of this isn’t to tell you that I had a sucky time growing up in school. The point of this isn’t to gain your sympathy.

The point of this post is to finally deal with the things, the people, the situations that made me feel small.

The point of this post is so I can meet face-to-face with the inner demons, the voices in my head that clouded my judgment, shattered my confidence. The ones that told me that I couldn’t do anything.

This is me facing those who have crossed me in my early years. The confrontation I never got to have.

I was never angry or mad at those people who treated my like crap. I never held grudges. And I never had any feelings of resentment towards them then. I never felt the need to retaliate.

But now I do. But now I feel rage. I feel angry. At those who did the things they did. And I don’t know why its coming now but it is.

I hate you.

For making me feel like I was worth nothing. For telling me things that I know aren’t true. For shoving dirt in my face. For literally kicking me around. For laughing at me. For making my life then a living hell. For always being that infuriating voice in my head, telling me I am shit. Calling me names. Calling me a pussy. A fag.

I had so much potential. I could have been the best and yet you took that away from me. Instead of focusing on my strengths you brought out my weaknesses and paralyzed me with it. Until I was so sure then that I couldn’t do anything. That my dreams meant squat. Meant nothing to you.

You said you lost hope in me but you made me lose hope in myself.  You made me think that I was never any good and that I should just give up. Give up on life, like you did.

Well I am not like you. You can only drown in your pain but I rose from that. I have become a better person because of what you did to me.  It took me a long time to get to this point but I have. And I am proud of me. Proud that I took my life into my own hands. With the support from loved ones and spiritual guidance, I managed to piece together parts of me that you shattered. Parts of me that you broke.

I never ever said anything before but I am done keeping this to myself. I hate you. I hate that I allowed you and your manipulative ways get to me. I hate that you somehow got under my skin and made me feel pathetic and I let you.

So fuck you and your life cause you sure fucked up mine,”

***

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I feel like I just rediscovered home.

As I am writing this, I sitting in a not-so-fully-air-conditioned-ergo-a-tad-bit-stuffy McDonald’s after having just trekked a mini excursion around Petaling Street.

It’s been a while since I’ve done something like this. And now I realized that I love KL.

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The sound of the LRT whizzing by in its track make me so proud to be Malaysian.

The genuine smiling faces of tourists greeting me as I walk around Chow Kit envelopes me in a warm way, reminding me that there is the spirit of unity amongst us humans. We just need to really look for it.

It’s funny having this epiphany when I just blogged about how much I love New York and how I can’t wait to visit it and explore every nook and cranny of the city when there is one right here.

One that I have grown familiar with and have somehow taken for granted.

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Sure the vibe is somewhat different but I feel the tenacity of it too. The way everyone seem to be rushing off somewhere to either catch a bus or a train or make their way to work or to shopping malls or to a hotel.

They are all bustling and here I am, sitting here, watching people walk by while I remain completely still. You see a lot.

I certainly did.

There’s group of well seasoned tourists in front of me, talking about their plans for the day. Listening to them, I can help but feel excited for them. Excited for the sights and sounds they are going to take in.

I don’t know why I suddenly feel like this.

Maybe it takes leaving home and flying off to a different country to make me really appreciate what I have here.

Being a somewhat spoilt city kid, I’ve somehow managed to eclipse the wonder that is Malaysia and if it weren’t for the fact that I wouldn’t be in this country in the next three months, I probably wouldn’t be looking at KL in the same light. It would probably just be like any other ordinary city to me.

Which is why I’m glad to be leaving. So then I’d appreciate what home is.

PS: By the way, Hajok. I wish you were so you’d be able to help take shots of KL through my eyes= ) But hope you don’t mind me “stealing” some of your amazing shots of the city.

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I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve written a post. Maybe cos it has been a while since I did write a post (and published it)

Not that I’m running out of things to say cos as most of you who know me, I hardly ever run out of things to say. Unless it’s about politics. Or football. Or any other topics I’m NOT interested in.

Now I’m just rambling.

The truth is: I have a LOT to say. And a LOT to blog about. It’s just that everytime I’m finished with what I think is blog worthy, I hesitate to click the “publish” button.

Why you ask? I don’t know.

Maybe it’s cause a lot of what I have to say involves some intimate details of my personal life and now I’m not sure how much of my intimate details of my personal life I want splashed across the webpage for all to see.

Which is why I’m so glad I have friends. Close, real, trusting friends whom I love and cherish more than anything else in the world. Friends whom I can pour my heart out to and say things that may otherwise be deemed inappropriate and face the risk of being judged by others who may deem my inappropriate-ness as inappropriate.

So folks, that will explain why my blog has been so barren lately. Because the platform I usually have to lay my problems onto are now my friends and the I have no use of parlaying every single detail of my life here. Until now.

I guess I’m ready to rejoin the rest of the blogging community again and seek pleasure in knowing that some random person out there can be affected by the things I post on my blog.

So watch out. Josh is back. And hopefully with better posts in future than this one.

It’s better to have some thing to say about anything and everything than to NOT have something to say about anything and everything.

So there. Until the next post. Bye.

A few days ago my dad said something to me during breakfast that appears to be somewhat of a rude awakening for me.

He looked up from reading the papers and said to me “Josh, you’re turning 22 this year. Friends your age are starting work and stressing over  their car installments while you’re still in college,”

I gave him an acknowledging glance and replied in my usual, casual sardonic tone “Ahh, but that’s the beauty of it,”

He just shrugged and resumed reading his paper.

It took me a while to realize it but my dad wasn’t trying to talk down to me by noting my friends’ fast climb up the ladder to adulthood for the benefit of being spiteful.

He was actually, in his own way, trying to remind me that I have a life to get back to. That there’s still so much he knows I want out of life but for some reason, he’d noticed that I had grown complacent.

The truth is, I’ve been resting on my laurels, so content with living life one day at a time and enjoying myself that I have completely forgotten about my goals and how to go about accomplishing them.

His sudden remark brought me back down from cloud 9 and the next thing I knew: I was panicking.

I’m turning 22 and yet, I haven’t even made a dent on my list of things I want in life.

I’m still in college, going through the same mundane routine I’ve been accustomed to for the past 3 years.

That’s when I told myself I have to start pulling up my bootstraps and start building up my life.

Ergo, I started listing down things I want to be made into reality in the following years:

1. A Healthy Body

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This is something I’ve been working hard at and I want to keep at it. It’s not about sporting a six-pack or bulging muscles. It’s about being healthy and having a healthy, toned body allows me to have the longevity and strength to further attain my other goals in life.

2. Graduation

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I love my life in college. Probably more so than any student should but I need to move onto the next chapter of my education and the walk down the hall with “Pomps and Circumstance” playing in the background is long overdue.

3. A Steady Job

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I hope to find a job that I love that not only pays well but teaches me things about the world that any classroom couldn’t.

Then again who doesn’t right?

4. Perform A Gig

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I’ve been writing for sometime now and have recently began recording some of my tracks.

I hope to find an outlet where I can perform some of this songs and have the satisfaction of looking at the audience gratifying to every word and sentiment in my songs.

5. Love

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Yes. I don’t wish to stay single for long and though I enjoy having my options, there will a point in time when I want to settle down and start looking for the one who makes my mornings brighter and my nights unencumbered.

6. Visit New York and San Francisco

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I don’t need to travel anywhere exotic, though I may want to someday, but these two cities have been on my must-see list for a long time now and I know I’ll get there one day to see for myself the beauty of the concrete jungle and bask in the brilliance of its urban tenacity.

7. Travel

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I’d want to expand my knowledge of the world instead of just reading about it.

8. Marriage

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Waking up next to the one I love.

Braving life’s challenges together. The pitfalls, the relentless fights, the thrill of being a Mr and Mrs and the joys of monogamy.

I can’t wait.

9. Kids

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I love kids.

I’d want one of my own someday. Maybe two.

10. Peace

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The peace of knowing that I’ve accomplished my goals and growing old with the one I call love. And then going through the list of things I’ve done in life and marvelling at how I got to this point and thanking God for helping me through it all.

That just caps it all together wonderfully.

In response to someone’s recent post about the pros and cons of being a girl, I thought I’d enlighten you readers on some of my thoughts.

Here are my reasons why I think it rocks to be a girl:

You girls get to enjoy shopping without having people give you labels. To those dear to me, you’d know I have a knack for spending money like crazy on clothes. And for those who witnessed my less than flattering moment during a certain fitting session at a vintage store, you’d know how excited I get when I shop.

So here’s my beef: when a guy admits he loves to shop or shows a keen interest on his looks, he is immediately dubbed a “metro sexual” or “vain pot” or worse, gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, I just hate it when people use a word meant to describe a person’s sexual preference as a derogatory designation.

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When girls shop or take good care of their skin by applying skincare or go for mani-pedis and facials, people don’t say anything because it is EXPECTED of them to do those things. But when a guy does it (not that I go for facials or  have my manicure done, I’m speaking on behalf of guys who do) people start raising questions over his orientation when he shows up having clearer or smoother skin than some of the other girls. Or when he starts accessorizing by wearing trendy sunglasses or ties a scarf. WHICH brings me to my next point.

Girls can be total fashionistas but when a guy does it, people go “Oh he’s so gay”. (Okay so it’s more like a sub-point but I’d like to stress further on this issue)

I don’t think this is a problem in other countries but in Malaysia or any other Asian country, guys who enjoy dressing up are called “sissies”, “pansies” or again GAY.

Whatever happened to freedom of expressing one’s self?

Is it wrong for a guy to showcase his colourful and artistic side by  the things he chooses to adorn himself with?

Why are people so frightened by a man who ties a shemagh scarf? Or a man who knows what is a shemagh scarf??

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Girls who don’t know how to use power tools are excused but when a guy doesn’t know the difference between a spanner and a plyer, WAL (What A Loser). I confess. When it comes to using power tools, I’m clueless. Okay I can fix things up but I don’t enjoy it. And FYI, I do know the difference between a spanner and a plyer.

The thing is, I’m just not a DIY kinda guy. Why pretend to know what’s wrong with the kitchen sink and spend hours cluelessly trying to loosen a pipe with a wrench when you can call a plumber who can fix the thing up in a jiff?

And why slave outside in the garage, sawing and chopping up wood and hammering stuff so you can have a handmade rectangular box that keeps books. There’s a place where you can get those kinda stuff. It’s called IKEA.

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But I don’t mind assembling the parts and in fact, I’m pretty good at it so, you see, I’m not that bad. Just don’t expect me to put on old jeans and strap a tool belt around my waist while carrying a chainsaw. Unless of course you’re into that sort of thing ; )

I’m not against people who love crafting stuff with their hands as a hobby but why impose it on us other guys who don’t? Does it makes us any less of a man not knowing how to saw stuff off or screw things? (well…)

Girls don’t have to face the humiliation of not being into sports. This has always been a pet peeve of mine. When people discover that I don’t play sports or don’t share the same insane obsession with football, I am by default put into the loser category.

Well granted if a loser means choosing to watch E! over ESPN or booing when Duffy lost the Best New Artist  award to Adele at the Grammy’s instead of booing when a guy, however skilled he is, doesn’t have the kenetic ability to will a ball from across a field of wet grass into a goal post then yes, I’m a loser.

But hey, at least despite Adele winning the award I can still move on with my life instead of PMS-ing around like my dick just passed fluids or acting like the world is about to end just because one unfortunate player missed the goal by three inches.

Girls can cry and mope and whine and complain all they want and people will just ignore them but when guys do it, it’s deemed UNMANLY.

Not that I cry or mope or whine or complain…that much but sometimes we guys need to let of some steam and we don’t need to be hassled or judged for it.

Or have our manhood and masculinity questioned.

It’s easy to put a guy down because NEWS FLASH, he’s got feelings.

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Sometimes, guys just want to show their sensitive side and doing that shouldn’t have to mean waving the retired white flag of Mr. Masculinity. Why can’t guys be emotional once in a while?

After all that’s said, I’m still glad I am guy. Though I may not match up to what society perceives a man to be, at the end of the day I still have a penis. It takes a hell-of-lot of self assurance (and a group of wonderful friends who accepts you for who you are) to be able to face the harsh realities of the world but who cares? It boils down to this: being yourself. Manly or not.

Besides, being a girl means having to bear the pain of childbirth and I’ll be the first to admit, even I am not man enough to put myself through that kind of pain.

freedom

“OOOOWWWWWW….and FFRREEEDDDOOOMMMMM IS MINE!!!!,”

*singing Feelin’ Good loudly*

I’m FREE from studying.

Until next year at least.

BUT I’M FREE!!!

No more late night cramming and literally burning the midnight oil (my house suffered from power outage last Sunday)

No more refraining from checking Facebook or blogging!

No more insufferable nights of tossing and turning, worried sick about exams.

No more, no more, no more.

I’m FREE!!

Okay I’ll cut it out for the benefit of those who still have papers next week.

Now I can fully focus on:

  • Preparing for the bash. It’s next week guys! LIFE COLLEGE student, have you bought your tickets yet? If not–quickly do so!!! It’s next FRIDAY!!
  • Enjoying camp! Church camp is this Saturday!
  • Choir practice!
  • Rehearsals with Crys and Min. We don’t have much time guys = )
  • Finish recording my song. YOU don’t have much time Min = )
  • Practice for Min’s sister’s wedding. Now I can add wedding singer to my list of accolades = )
  • Hang out with Yin and Gary!! Bestie’s back!
  • Celebrate Christmas = )

Hey peeps!

Pardon the lack of updates–I have been so busy with stuff I have been procrastinating on my studying and revision. And exams are NEXT WEEK!!!

Argh! The horror.

I planned on leaving my blog barren for a couple of days, at least til after my two papers but SOMEONE… = ) = ) = ) insists on an update so here’s one.

As I was browsing through Facebook, minding other people’s business I came across a comment written on a certain rockstar‘s wall.

Out of curiosity, I clicked. I saw. I read. I laughed. HARD.

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Haha.

Guess the secret’s out huh, Sam?

Lol.

P.S: Ok la. In retrospect, it doesn’t seem that funny but I woke up today feeling groggy and cranky so this really made my morning.

Plus, it doesn’t help that I am writing this post in college waiting for SOMEONE who is late for our gym appointment. = ) = ) = )

I kid. I kid.

P.P.S : Oh and it’s Hajok’s birthday today!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! The child has finally grown wiser. Or has he…?? Haha.

Sorry.

Really random.

Blame the pre-exam stress.

Haha.

Okay.

I’m off now.

Bye.

Peace.

Be with you all.

With love and kindness.

To all of mankind.

Generosity of spirit.

To all…

Oh someone stick me a tranquilizer before I annoy all my readers.

*jabs a stick of sedative*

Thud.

Just when I needed a refreshing intake of good music, I discover this incredible musician.

His name is Gabe Bondoc, a Filipino residing in California.

Another one of those youTube artist with portfolios of amazing covers of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”, Chris Brown’s “Forever”, Colbie Caillat’s “Realize” and Christina Aguilera’s “Come On Over”.

One worthy mention is his rendition of Rihanna’s “Take A Bow”, where he tweaked the lyrics a bit to give  his interpretation of the male’s perpective.

Covers aside, I am absolutely hooked on his original compositions. “The One” has the whole Jason Mraz half scatting, half singing vibe going and his guitar skills is reminiscent of John Mayer’s.

But you be the judge. Go on and click play!

PS: Thanks for recommending him to me Jo!

The way you laugh with your mouth closed
The way you smile so your eyes glow
It’s in the way you look at me to help me see
Just who I am inside

The way my heart doesn’t listen
And so it just keeps wishing
Wishing you were close to me so that its beat was
Synchronized with yours

You’re the one, you’re the one for me.. sugar.

You’re my hero and my best friend
and girl I swear that you’re a Godsend
Lovely as a ray of sun.. the very first one
Just as the day begins

So I got a round trip ticket
But I don’t wanna take it
I only wanna take half
And give the other half to somebody who wont waste it.

You’re the one, you’re the one for me..

Your hand and mine fit perfectly fine
And sway below our waists at the perfect height

Faithful and true
to Him and to you
I will stay forever this way because..

You’re the one, you’re the one for me

I’m bursting with creative juices.

I need my form of musical release.

Recent events has fueled my desire to create = )

.

I’m ready to start writing again.

.

To spread my joy, my sadness, my love, and my misery; through music.

To write lyrics and form melodies so others

can relate.

To inspire others as I continue to be inspired.

.

Now.

More than ever.

.

Just me.

And my piano.

I’ve finally seen the big picture.

The silver lining that always brings hope after a long and dreary storm.

The pale glimmer of faith that strengthens the heart of the weakened.

I’ve spent too much time dwelling in things I can’t change, it’s about time I focus on the things I can.

*

I’ve spent too long wanting someone I can’t have that I’m blinded and didn’t see that I already have something really special with that someone.

A REAL friendship.

One where I can safely say things and not be worried of being judged.

A person I can connect with on another level, one I never knew existed in the realm of friendships.

A purely platonic relationship.

I’ll keep this paperback novel safely in my “shelf”, where it will forever remain among my other special paperbacks = )

*

I’ve seen how unpredictable relationships with people can be.

The ones you never thought you could be friends with can turn around and surprise you in many ways.

And you realize they are the ones you can potentially share a great and long-lasting friendship with.

I want you to know the respect is mutual = )

*

And then there are the ones you call friend; and later learn they are the ones you should be wary of. For behind the facade of a seemingly trusting face, there in lies a traitor.

*

Yes.

I see the big picture.

It’s all clear to me.

And I am enjoying the view from where I’m at now.

= )