Resentment

There comes a time in every person’s life when they take a second to evaluate their life. To look back at the yesteryears and bask in the brilliance of their triumphs and wail over their setbacks. A time to sit back and think of the good times, the not-so-good times, the ups and the downs, their accomplishments and the failures in accomplishing their accomplishments.

Today, I did just that.

For no particular reason. Just because I had time to myself today and I couldn’t help but let my mind wander into the abyss of my dark and twisty thoughts.

I thought of my childhood. The glory days of growing up and discovering things for the first time. Going through all of life’s motions. Maturing and learning something new every year. The lessons.

I thought I would be enlightened, proud even for the things that I have done. The person that I have become.

And yet I wasn’t. Enlightened. Or proud. Or glad even.

I thought I’d get sentimental and mushy and turn into a sap. Instead, I find myself feeling heated. Like I popped a nerve or something. I wasn’t sure why but I was feeling something.

Confused, I sat down and gathered myself. Allowed myself to just be still and let the sensation that clouded my mobility fade.

And then, as the obscurity of my sudden predicament ebbed, I managed to identify the emotion.

I was mad. I am mad.

Mad because when I looked back at my life, there were so many things about it that made me angry.

Could it be resentment? Something I kept repressed for all these years that it has become dormant. Why now? Why reveal it’s self now?

I have everything going good for me. My application to uni is making progress. I have found balance and love and a new thirst for life. Why am I pulled back to it now? I thought to myself.

My childhood. Growing up. Primary school. High school.

Talking about those segments in my life never really go down well with me. Because it was a horrible time for me. One I don’t think I’ve ever addressed on my blog before.

You must think I am being self indulgent and trivial, bringing up things like this now when there are so many other tragedies happening across the world. The swine flu. The riots. The genocide in Darfur.

All these events that are probably worth bringing to your attention more than reading about a 22 year-old who is considerably privileged and has things that people in other parts of the world yearn to have.

And yet I can’t stop myself from typing. From unearthing the past that I thought I have kept hidden. Forgotten. Forgiven.

I guess I haven’t.

You see, high school was a terrible time in my development. At a time when teenagers are supposed to start to growing into their own being, I was stuck, lost and uncertain of what I was.

I guess most people feel that way and it isn’t unheard of. This probably won’t even shock you. Or even cause you to raise an eyebrow.

I was teased a lot at school. I was called names. I was labeled. Bullied. Judged. I was put into a box, a category, a mold and people regarded me as nothing. As no one. As a person who was worth nothing and will probably become nothing.

I know I am not nothing. I know that I have become somebody and my objective with this post is not to drag you into my hole of insecurity and self-doubt.

I am not blogging to complain that I am a nobody. I AM a somebody. And I know that. There is no hole of self-doubt and I am not about to become some recluse who shuts off everyone.

No.

The point of this isn’t to tell you that I had a sucky time growing up in school. The point of this isn’t to gain your sympathy.

The point of this post is to finally deal with the things, the people, the situations that made me feel small.

The point of this post is so I can meet face-to-face with the inner demons, the voices in my head that clouded my judgment, shattered my confidence. The ones that told me that I couldn’t do anything.

This is me facing those who have crossed me in my early years. The confrontation I never got to have.

I was never angry or mad at those people who treated my like crap. I never held grudges. And I never had any feelings of resentment towards them then. I never felt the need to retaliate.

But now I do. But now I feel rage. I feel angry. At those who did the things they did. And I don’t know why its coming now but it is.

“I hate you.

For making me feel like I was worth nothing. For telling me things that I know aren’t true. For shoving dirt in my face. For literally kicking me around. For laughing at me. For making my life then a living hell. For always being that infuriating voice in my head, telling me I am shit. Calling me names. Calling me a pussy. A fag.

I had so much potential. I could have been the best and yet you took that away from me. Instead of focusing on my strengths you brought out my weaknesses and paralyzed me with it. Until I was so sure then that I couldn’t do anything. That my dreams meant squat. Meant nothing to you.

You said you lost hope in me but you made me lose hope in myself.  You made me think that I was never any good and that I should just give up. Give up on life, like you did.

Well I am not like you. You can only drown in your pain but I rose from that. I have become a better person because of what you did to me.  It took me a long time to get to this point but I have. And I am proud of me. Proud that I took my life into my own hands. With the support from loved ones and spiritual guidance, I managed to piece together parts of me that you shattered. Parts of me that you broke.

I never ever said anything before but I am done keeping this to myself. I hate you. I hate that I allowed you and your manipulative ways get to me. I hate that you somehow got under my skin and made me feel pathetic and I let you.

So fuck you and your life cause you sure fucked up mine,”

***

Stringless Fun?

Logan, Huntzberger: “I want to be clear. I have thought about asking you out several times. I just don’t think it’s such a good idea,”

Rory, Gilmore: “Why not?,”

Logan: “Because you’re special,”

Rory: “Special?,”

Logan: “You’re beautiful, you’re intelligent, you’re incredibly interesting. You’re definitely girlfriend material. I, however am definitely not boyfriend material. I can’t do it. I can’t do commitment. I don’t want to pretend to you that I can. If I were to date you, there would be no dating. It would be something right away and I’m not that guy,”

Rory: “But I’m not looking for anything “something” like,”

Logan: “Rory…,”

Rory: “I’m not. I’ve done that. As a matter a fact, I just did and that’s not something I want,”

Logan: “I’m not saying that you want that now,”

Rory: “No, I don’t want that at all. No, I’m not expecting anything. I just…I like you and I want to spend some time with you. No strings attached,”

Logan: “No strings attached huh?,”

Rory: “Hey. Girls just wanna have fun…stringless fun,”

Logan: “You may feel like that now, but–,”

Rory: “I do feel like that now,”

Logan: “Okay, but–(Rory pulls him away) where are we going?,”

Rory: “How should I know? What, you think I have a plan or something? Please. Live in the moment, Huntzberger,”

Logan: “Are you sure you want to do this?,”

Rory: “I just…I wanna know what it would be like,” (leans forward and kisses him)

This is exactly what I do not want.

“I didn’t come here to tell you that I can’t live without you. I can live without you. I just don’t want to,”

– Sarah Huttinger, RUMOR HAS IT

Tanah Airku

I feel like I just rediscovered home.

As I am writing this, I sitting in a not-so-fully-air-conditioned-ergo-a-tad-bit-stuffy McDonald’s after having just trekked a mini excursion around Petaling Street.

It’s been a while since I’ve done something like this. And now I realized that I love KL.

The sound of the LRT whizzing by in its track make me so proud to be Malaysian.

The genuine smiling faces of tourists greeting me as I walk around Chow Kit envelopes me in a warm way, reminding me that there is the spirit of unity amongst us humans. We just need to really look for it.

It’s funny having this epiphany when I just blogged about how much I love New York and how I can’t wait to visit it and explore every nook and cranny of the city when there is one right here.

One that I have grown familiar with and have somehow taken for granted.

Sure the vibe is somewhat different but I feel the tenacity of it too. The way everyone seem to be rushing off somewhere to either catch a bus or a train or make their way to work or to shopping malls or to a hotel.

They are all bustling and here I am, sitting here, watching people walk by while I remain completely still. You see a lot.

I certainly did.

There’s group of well seasoned tourists in front of me, talking about their plans for the day. Listening to them, I can help but feel excited for them. Excited for the sights and sounds they are going to take in.

I don’t know why I suddenly feel like this.

Maybe it takes leaving home and flying off to a different country to make me really appreciate what I have here.

Being a somewhat spoilt city kid, I’ve somehow managed to eclipse the wonder that is Malaysia and if it weren’t for the fact that I wouldn’t be in this country in the next three months, I probably wouldn’t be looking at KL in the same light. It would probably just be like any other ordinary city to me.

Which is why I’m glad to be leaving. So then I’d appreciate what home is.

PS: By the way, Hajok. I wish you were so you’d be able to help take shots of KL through my eyes= ) But hope you don’t mind me “stealing” some of your amazing shots of the city.

Her Morning Elegance

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in it’s case

Soon she’s down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes…
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And she goes…
Nobody knows

And she fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
Where people are pleasently strange
And counting the change
And she goes…
Nobody knows

– Her Morning Elegance, OREN LAVIE

The Great Escapade

“If you could travel anywhere, which MAS Stimulus Package will you use and why?”

If you know me, you’d know the answer to this one.

It’s all I ever talk about when it comes to traveling.

And really, I don’t know how to explain what draws me to this place.

Maybe it’s the buildings.

The unpretentious architecture that holds years of history. Some that are sadly forgotten.

Or maybe it’s the beauty of its urban tenacity: )

Or the pace. The thrill in knowing that in very turn therein lies a mystery and an adventure just waiting to be experienced.

Or the feeling of freedom in walking down to the park and feeling like you’re in someone’s backyard–when in reality you’re in the heart of everything that is bustling.

The aged but fully maintained boathouse, one of the many prides of the city. A place of solace, a place of hope and the meeting point for a lot of great love stories.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am talking about New York City.

New York City.

NYC.

The Big Apple.

A perimeter of fast-paced humans all running and gunning to finish the rat race.

A melting pot of people from different ethnicity, culture and background.

An ethereal city that has become the dream and ambition of many spirited individuals such as myself.

The capital of commerce, fashion and music.

New York City.

Many may write me off as one of the many naive dreamers who think that city life is so glamorous and awesome when in reality it is only a facade.

I happen to love the city in spite of it.

I’m not there to chase the un-fulfilling dream of climbing the corporate ladder to become the CEO of some big shot company.

Or joining the redundant dog-eat-dog world of the soul sucking music industry.

Or jump at the chance of working at an all renowned fashion magazine, where I lose all brevity of human life in a pointless 9 to 9 job.

I want to just watch and observe and be amongst the chaos.

I want to just be able to look at the city for what it is rather than overlook it like the rest of its citizens.

I want to get lost in the city as opposed to losing my self to the city.

I want to just be there to take it all in.

I want to be there.

And just live.

So to answer the aforementioned question: New York – Newark International with the MH Flex 1+1  MAS Stimulus Package.

A chance to fulfill a dream with someone who is my dream and observe as the city whizzes past us, while we remain still.

“Cos I’ve found some kinda fairytale…”